Saturday, February 27, 2010

"So it's just the beginning of 2010," my beautiful friend noted with love and excitement in her voice. "What do you picture your life like next December? Where will you live? What will you be doing? What are your wildest dreams?"

I cringed. I really did! I shut my eyes and I felt my Being, my Core, resisting this Visioning Exercise.

Up until recently, I have been TOTALLY down for long term goals, planning, and dreaming...In fact, I spent much of my time in my own head.

I have always been good, great even, at THINKING BIG. When I was little, I was not just going to play basketball, I was going to be in the WNBA. I was not just going to sing in my middle school choir, I was going to be the Next Madonna.

However, this dreaming big, was not always followed with action steps. In fact, MUCH of the time, it was not followed by actions steps.

I am an EXPERT at making Vision Boards, journaling about ideal scenarios and long term plans (5 years, 10 years, 15 years), or talking about my Dreams.

But what about the Action?

My dad sent me a quote this week that read, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that." -J.K. Rowling

In the past, what prevented me from taking action in the direction of my dreams? My amazing school, the University of Santa Monica, recently assisted me in this quandary. They taught us the different between 3 and 30 foot tosses.

The teachers set up a real, live ring toss game in our class room. Then, with the help of volunteers, they proved to us that throwing the ring from THREE feet away instead of THIRTY feet racked up the overall points MUCH faster and more effectively. In fact NO ONE was able to successfully throw the ring around the peg from more than 15 feet away.

THIS BLEW MY MIND...Suddenly, I realized that I was ONLY trying to throw 30 foot tosses. That I was THINKING so BIG that I fell into the trap of Extremes and All or Nothing Thinking. For example, if I dreamed of being a performer, I was going to be Dolly in Hello Dolly on Broadway immediately (30 foot toss) or if I dreamed of being a writer, I had to have my 200 page memoir published and a Best Seller by age 29.(30 foot toss, well maybe 300 ft toss)

The beauty of three foot tosses looks something like this. Dream: Performer. 3 Foot tosses: Attend information session for Acting Classes, Voice lessons once a week...Dream: Writer. 3 foot tosses: Start a blog. Write more poems.

"Spirit meets us in the place of action." -USM

Up until recently, I was stuck in 30 foot thinking. I am proud to say that I am now an active three foot tosser. And my friends, each toss DOES add up.

So where do I want to be in December 2010? Do I want to be playing in the WNBA? Better start practicing my free throws. Maybe I want to be Madonna. I will start with singing in my church choir. 3 foot tosses baby.

Ring by ring, step by step, until sometimes, I stop look around and feel nothing but immense gratitude for my life in the NOW. I am in the present tense, out of my head, and into my heart, where life TRULY takes place, in the moment, witnessing my dreams unfolding with Divine purpose, love, and A LOT of THREE FOOT TOSSES.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

"If you let yourself be truly seen, then you can be truly loved." — Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (SARK)

"I just don't know if Ben is spiritual enough for me." I found myself saying to a fellow Spiritual Psychology student last weekend, regarding my partner of 8 years.

"Or maybe he doesn't go as deep in conversations or something. I just don't feel like I am completely heard or seen by him. I don't think we have much spiritual intimacy. Almost like we speak different languages about this stuff."

"Hmmm...", my wise counselor responded. "Do you think you have EVER felt this kind of spiritual intimacy with Ben?"

I closed my eyes, blinked back tears, and remembered the first summer we met. Exploration Summer Program, Boston, MA, 2002. I saw him from across the room at the Staff Orientation. Our first conversation felt like magic, the flow to our communication, so organic, even Divine. "Who was this angel in a (hot) male's body?", I wondered.

His blue eyes danced with spirit, his laugh, deep with connection to Source, and his very Being personified faith. It felt simple then, to surrender to his love, our love. We were so innocent. Spiritual intimacy was natural. The term "soul mates" even comes to mind. We were best friends in a breath, partners in a heart love with each other for life.

"Yes, yes," I said. "Absolutely, I have felt this kind of intimacy with Ben."

"Would you like to tell me more about what has happened since that first summer?" she asks.

Our Story flashes through my head, my heart, what has lead us to where we are now.

My own Irrational Beliefs around marriage and men come to the surface in a torrent of emotion. I hear them..."All marriages end in divorce. It is only a matter of time before someone is unfaithful. Husbands try to tie their wives down. I have to have four kids and cook like Martha Stewart to be loved. He says he supports my dreams, but I don't believe it."

Deep Breath. Are any of these really true for Us? No. Not at all. Although I don't think Ben would mind a pot roast dinner once in awhile. Hell, neither would I!

Deep Breath. Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for buying into the misunderstanding that all marriages end in divorce. I forgive myself for assuming that because my parents got divorced a couple times, then so will I. I forgive myself for judging Ben as a chauvinistic tyrant. (couldn't be farther from the Truth)

I look up in my counselor's face and I see love, support, light. "This is helpful. I feel more open to my marriage. But what about this whole spiritual intimacy thing?"

I close my eyes again. And I hear him. Who? ECKHART TOLLE...I didn't even know I had this quote memorized, but I did.

"Outflow determines inflow. You can't receive what you don't GIVE. What you think the world is withholding from you, you already have."

The tears flowed outwardly with gusto this time. I pictured Ben's beautiful face and I realized the Truth. My irrational belief that Ben wasn't "spiritual enough" came from my own FEAR of intimacy. WHOAH!

My fear, that if I open up to him from my deepest Authentic Self, from my place of Divine Love inside, from the Loving, that he will leave, get scared, abandon me. Suddenly, I feel a strange mix of empowerment, AND deep annoyance. "You mean, this is up to me? I have to take action?"

And a new voice Within, "Yes, honey. This is up to you. You built the walls. Now you get to knock them down."

Deep Breath.

Deep Breath.

Deep Breath.

""If you let yourself be truly seen, then you can be truly loved."" — Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (SARK)

On this Valentine's Day Weekend, I dedicate my Blog Post to you Ben. My lover, my teacher, my partner in life, and my very best friend. I vow to break down the walls, brick by brick, as I open up to you more and more. As I "let myself be truly seen". Forgive me for these irrational beliefs that I have held around you and marriage UP UNTIL NOW. I am releasing them. These do not serve me. I am open to a spiritual intimacy with you and I am enthusiastically and lovingly holding a safe space for you to open up to me as well. (if you so choose)

In closing...when Ben and I were engaged I shared a story with him about a woman who had been divorced once. When her boyfriend requested her hand in marriage, she said she really had to think about it. She was delving into an amazing career and was really focused on self-care, her son, and her own dreams. She asked for two weeks to go up to her family's cabin and deliberate.

After only one week, there was a knock on her cabin door. There was her boyfriend with a box in his hand. "I know I was supposed to let you be alone for two weeks, but I wanted to bring this to you." She opened up the box, and inside there was a rock and a feather. "I'm the rock, and you are the feather," he said, "Go pursue your dreams, your independent goals. I am here for you. I can be your home base." She decided to marry him...:)

I shared this story with Ben. I said, "Can't you relate? Don't you think I'm the feather, and you're the rock?"

He smiled at me, took my hand, and said, "You are my rock AND my feather."

So Ben, on this almost Valentines Day, I am truly surrendering to your unconditional love and letting go of the outcome. I am choosing Love. I am choosing Faith. I am choosing to believe that "this or something better for the highest good of all concerned."

And Ben, you are my rock AND my feather.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


“You are your own soulmate”

These words came to me
on the elliptical in a Costa Rican gym
how completely random
YET the true answer to all my questions

How long have I been searching
for wholeness
traveling, journeying, connecting
outside of myself

Looking for that missing piece
that extra assurance
that I was a Child of God
a person of worth

Wondering if it was really my husband
or a guru or a deep friendship, almost romantic
that provided this Soulmate role.

She was inside me all along
This Soulmate

And suddenly this action of “finding myself”
transforms into something that can only be described
as a Homecoming.

A coming home to myself, God, my true Soulmate

And I cried as I loved myself
for the first time

Finally, I accepted me, all of me, the Prodigal Daughter
Wrapped in my own embrace and God’s light

I cried

and came Home.

Thursday, February 04, 2010


I always wondered what FAITH really meant. And then I jumped into the dark abyss of the Unknown, letting go of the Outcome, trusting the Divine's Will and Love for me would serve as wings. Faith is the ability to enjoy the fall, the leap, the dance into letting go of the Control Freak Role and the acceptance of whatever miracles the Universe has in store for me.