Friday, November 19, 2010

The Dark Night(s) of My Soul

Had you ventured into my apartment last night at around 8pm, walked through the kitchen, and into the hallway, you might have found me curled in a ball, writhing on the floor, crying my eyes out.

Not the most heart warming of sights to be sure, but a victory for me nonetheless.

Through much of this lifetime, up until recently, I have been uncomfortable with the Dark within; sad feelings, anger, etc.  It was TOTALLY okay for other people (friends, family, clients) to feel and express those emotions, but not me.
Then, two days ago, something arose inside of me.

I was triggered by some old body/Self loathing feelings, and I allowed them to take me over.  There were points in these past couple days where I felt like a demon had my throat and was squeezing as hard as possible.  I literally felt like a war between good and evil was going on inside my body.

My Energy Healer told me this was the death of a False Self.  That really resonated.  This voice that told me I wasn't good enough to run a business, to be successful at grad school, to have friends or a loving family...this voice that told me I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, slim enough, to be worthy of living. was not giving up easily.  This False Self was trying  to take over.

Yet she didn't win.

Here is my Victory:

I did not fight the Dark from rising.  I let it come up and OUT.  In the past, I would have pushed it down, pretended to be fine, numbed myself with distractions.

This time I danced with the Dark.

This time I was wracked with emotions like fear, self-loathing, anger, blame, and unworthiness.  They vibrated through my body.

This time I called my Support Network; friends, family, BEN, my Energy Healer, my Intuitive Eating Coach.  I shared with them how I was TRULY feeling, not what sounded good.  I let them see me, hear me, in my Dark.

This time I did not run.

Had you ventured into my apartment at 10am THIS morning, walked through the kitchen and into the hallway, you would have seen me at the dining room table, writing, laughing, crying a little, but with gratitude.

The Dark Night(s) of My Soul have passed.  I am here, stronger of heart, standing in my authentic Truth of wholeness, having truly tasted the Dark, I am still here.

Standing in the light of  this New Day.  This New Beginning.

Standing in reverence to a death of a False Self...and a Re-Birth.

Standing in the truth that this too shall pass, did pass, and all that I encounter and experience serves my expansion, my learning, my growth.

Standing lovingly in the Light and the Dark that is Me.