My Prince Charming

As little girls, many of us are raised with the idea of finding wholeness, happiness, and our dreams, once we meet our Prince Charming and he "saves" us from our apparent life of mediocrity.  (Thank you Disney)  Before meeting Ben, I was constantly asked if I was dating anyone "yet", as if I would not be a worthy or whole woman until I met my man...

My freshman year of college, my friend Brittany wanted to set me up on a date with a water polo player at University of Southern California, actually the top water polo player in the country.  He was also VERY physically attractive conventionally.  Like, probably top 1%.   (think...Brad Pitt, George Clooney,  Justin Bieber???) Could this be my Prince Charming? The man to "save me" and give me wholeness, validate my worth, and allow me truly pursue my dreams?

The night of the Big Date, I spent hours picking out an outfit, straightening my hair, and applying my makeup.  Finally, with my heart beating extremely rapidly and sweat pouring profusely from my body, this little girl from Kansas was ready to meet the Big Man on Campus, Mr. Water Polo, my Prince Charming.

We drove to USC, parked, and headed into the dorms. I was so excited to meet  him, however our initial interaction was quite awkward.  He took one look at me, pulled Brittany into the adjoining room, and announced, loud enough for me to easily hear it...

"She is NOT pretty enough for me."

Whew.  My ego was not happy.  Tears streamed down my face.  In fact, all I wanted to do was run, fly back to my campus and to the safety of my apparent mediocrity.  The night was intense and I had to stay, as I had no way of getting home.  

I've often wondered how and if this experience has continued to script my life to this day...and then in class last weekend, I had a vision that I am processing.  In the vision, I was a marionette puppet attached to all these strings that were pulling me this way and that.  Who was the puppeteer?  MEN.  At many points in my life, including, but not limited to the night at USC, I have handed over my strings, my power, to men.  I have looked for male validation for so much of my life to give me permission to dance, to design my life, to save me.

If a man told me he heard I was easy,  I would become a prude.  If a man said he liked my hair long, I would swear to never cut it again.  If a guy I thought was handsome told me I wasn't pretty enough, I agreed and decided I would never be loved or ENOUGH.   I thought marrying my "Prince Charming" would stop this cycle of needing outside validation from men, but up until now, it hasn't.

However, in this vision last weekend, I pictured me, the puppet, BUSTING THROUGH THOSE STRINGS....I am dancing to my own music, my own rhythm.  I take my power back.  God is my Co-Director.  It's me and Spirit now!  Designing and choreographing my BEAUTIFUL dance through this Life...

So Mr. USC, I forgive myself for buying into the misunderstanding that I am not pretty enough.  I forgive myself for buying into the misunderstanding that I need validation from men, from anyone, to feel whole, beautiful, and enough.  I forgive myself for believing I needed a Prince Charming to save me.  And I am grateful for that experience and many that have followed.

No man is going to save me...no man is going to make feel whole or worthy or beautiful.  I don't need that anymore.  There is only one true quest to healing, Love, and wholeness and that is the journey within.

My Date with God.

I joyfully drive down into the dorms of my soul, where I meet the Source, the Divine, my true Prince Charming.  He holds me in a loving embrace and I remember where I came from, who I am as a Being of Beauty and Light...and I hear his words, like a waterfall of Love...

"You have always been and will forever be ENOUGH."