"If you let yourself be truly seen, then you can be truly loved." — Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (SARK)

"I just don't know if Ben is spiritual enough for me." I found myself saying to a fellow Spiritual Psychology student last weekend, regarding my partner of 8 years.

"Or maybe he doesn't go as deep in conversations or something. I just don't feel like I am completely heard or seen by him. I don't think we have much spiritual intimacy. Almost like we speak different languages about this stuff."

"Hmmm...", my wise counselor responded. "Do you think you have EVER felt this kind of spiritual intimacy with Ben?"

I closed my eyes, blinked back tears, and remembered the first summer we met. Exploration Summer Program, Boston, MA, 2002. I saw him from across the room at the Staff Orientation. Our first conversation felt like magic, the flow to our communication, so organic, even Divine. "Who was this angel in a (hot) male's body?", I wondered.

His blue eyes danced with spirit, his laugh, deep with connection to Source, and his very Being personified faith. It felt simple then, to surrender to his love, our love. We were so innocent. Spiritual intimacy was natural. The term "soul mates" even comes to mind. We were best friends in a breath, partners in a heart beat...in love with each other for life.

"Yes, yes," I said. "Absolutely, I have felt this kind of intimacy with Ben."

"Would you like to tell me more about what has happened since that first summer?" she asks.

Our Story flashes through my head, my heart, what has lead us to where we are now.

My own Irrational Beliefs around marriage and men come to the surface in a torrent of emotion. I hear them..."All marriages end in divorce. It is only a matter of time before someone is unfaithful. Husbands try to tie their wives down. I have to have four kids and cook like Martha Stewart to be loved. He says he supports my dreams, but I don't believe it."

Deep Breath. Are any of these really true for Us? No. Not at all. Although I don't think Ben would mind a pot roast dinner once in awhile. Hell, neither would I!

Deep Breath. Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for buying into the misunderstanding that all marriages end in divorce. I forgive myself for assuming that because my parents got divorced a couple times, then so will I. I forgive myself for judging Ben as a chauvinistic tyrant. (couldn't be farther from the Truth)

I look up in my counselor's face and I see love, support, light. "This is helpful. I feel more open to my marriage. But what about this whole spiritual intimacy thing?"

I close my eyes again. And I hear him. Who? ECKHART TOLLE...I didn't even know I had this quote memorized, but I did.

"Outflow determines inflow. You can't receive what you don't GIVE. What you think the world is withholding from you, you already have."

The tears flowed outwardly with gusto this time. I pictured Ben's beautiful face and I realized the Truth. My irrational belief that Ben wasn't "spiritual enough" came from my own FEAR of intimacy. WHOAH!

My fear, that if I open up to him from my deepest Authentic Self, from my place of Divine Love inside, from the Loving, that he will leave, get scared, abandon me. Suddenly, I feel a strange mix of empowerment, AND deep annoyance. "You mean, this is up to me? I have to take action?"

And a new voice Within, "Yes, honey. This is up to you. You built the walls. Now you get to knock them down."

Deep Breath.

Deep Breath.

Deep Breath.

""If you let yourself be truly seen, then you can be truly loved."" — Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (SARK)

On this Valentine's Day Weekend, I dedicate my Blog Post to you Ben. My lover, my teacher, my partner in life, and my very best friend. I vow to break down the walls, brick by brick, as I open up to you more and more. As I "let myself be truly seen". Forgive me for these irrational beliefs that I have held around you and marriage UP UNTIL NOW. I am releasing them. These do not serve me. I am open to a spiritual intimacy with you and I am enthusiastically and lovingly holding a safe space for you to open up to me as well. (if you so choose)

In closing...when Ben and I were engaged I shared a story with him about a woman who had been divorced once. When her boyfriend requested her hand in marriage, she said she really had to think about it. She was delving into an amazing career and was really focused on self-care, her son, and her own dreams. She asked for two weeks to go up to her family's cabin and deliberate.

After only one week, there was a knock on her cabin door. There was her boyfriend with a box in his hand. "I know I was supposed to let you be alone for two weeks, but I wanted to bring this to you." She opened up the box, and inside there was a rock and a feather. "I'm the rock, and you are the feather," he said, "Go pursue your dreams, your independent goals. I am here for you. I can be your home base." She decided to marry him...:)

I shared this story with Ben. I said, "Can't you relate? Don't you think I'm the feather, and you're the rock?"

He smiled at me, took my hand, and said, "You are my rock AND my feather."

So Ben, on this almost Valentines Day, I am truly surrendering to your unconditional love and letting go of the outcome. I am choosing Love. I am choosing Faith. I am choosing to believe that "this or something better for the highest good of all concerned."

And Ben, you are my rock AND my feather.