The word "UNIQUE" has always been a bit loaded for me...I have heard this word spoken in conjunction with my personality, my outside appearance, my family, my decisions, etc. SO many times, that I have felt a bit "haunted" by this seemingly harmless word.
Last weekend, I attended a fabulous workshop for Beginners of the 12-Week Creativity Program called the Artist's Way. I am not an Artist's Way virgin. Two years ago, I had the incredible pleasure of taking this class with the author of the book, Julia Cameron. She swears like a sailor, tells it like it is, and has an AMAZING ability to assist her students in embracing their Creative Voice and Spirit...their authentic Self.
This specific class last week was taught by the beautiful Suzanne Boothby, a good friend of mine and incredible teacher. (highly recommend her classes!) One exercise particularly stood out for me. We each designed an affirmation that spoke to our creative, authentic Selves. This was mine:
"I am a fabulous and talented Performer."
We were instructed to write it five times in our notebooks. Then, we were supposed to jot down any of the comments we heard from our Inner Critic, the voice inside our head that tries to keep us from pursuing our dreams. Here were some of mine:
"I am a fabulous and talented Performer."
Critic: "No you're not. You are a Tutor."
hmmm...again. "I am a fabulous and talented Performer."
Critic: "Yes, you and all the other singer/actors/performers without work or money."
Okay..."I AM A FABULOUS AND TALENTED PERFORMER."
Critic: "Sorry, hun, but you are too UNIQUE looking to truly be a performer."
WHOAH! Tears welled up in my eyes. Where did THAT come from???
Flashback: Fourth grade, Hays, KS. (Very Volga German) In a class of blond hair beauties, I was the ONLY one with black hair. The kids nicknamed me Alien Eyes, because my eyes have always been "unique" looking. One VERY religious classmate wouldn't talk to me because she (and her ENTIRE family) thought I was a Witch.
Flashback: Middle School. No boyfriend EVER! Except, when the Popular Guys wanted to be funny and pretend to ask me out. I was a Ballet Dancer in Middle School and was ALWAYS cast as The Witch in all of the productions...because of my "unique" look. (Never the Princess)
Flashback: High-School. I spent much of my four years trying to look less "unique". Well, to BE less unique as well. By Senior Year, I had dyed my hair blonde...and wore more make up than Lady Gaga.
Flashback: College in Los Angeles. Set up on a Blind Date with the Captain of the University of Southern California's Water Polo Team. He took one look at me, pulled my friend into the next room (where I could hear the conversation PERFECTLY) and said, "She's NOT pretty enough." Awkward...and a bit heart breaking at the time.
Flashback: Starbucks, one week ago. The guy at the counter looks at me for a few seconds and then says, "What ARE you?? Your eyes, they are sooooo.....UNIQUE!!"
AAAAAH!!!!!! I've heard it all my life. And through this workshop, I recognized that these memories, that this interpretation of my outside appearance, has played a part in holding me back from pursuing my dream life, from taking actions steps to Live Out Loud in this world as a performer.
I wish I could say I am above all this. That other people's interpretation of me and my appearance has never mattered...but fellow blog readers, friends, family, God, you know otherwise.
This does not serve me...I am letting it go. (or trying to let it go)
Actually I AM RECLAIMING MY BODY, MY LOOKS, MY AUTHENTIC SELF....and
I AM RECLAIMING THE WORD UNIQUE...I like it. I take it as a compliment...From this day forward...
so I am closing with a poem of sorts:
Unique
maybe I will change my name to this word
that has defined me for years
and held me back from my dreams
UP UNTIL NOW
because Unique makes waves,
lives Out Loud
turns heads on the street
I may not be your Disney Princess
your blond haired
Abercrombie Doll
I AM ME...
Unique...
My nose, pronounced, wide,
a nod to my Native American heritage
my Spiritual Center
My eyes, widespread,
turned upwards
like a sliver of the moon, shining
My lips, my mouth
one side slants higher
when I smile, mirroring the love within
UNIQUE...
My hair,
one third gray or silver
silver with life's lessons and learning
My nails,
rarely cut or cleaned
all different lengths, eclectic, creative
My body
the temple of my soul
my cherished skin, blemishes, wrinkles, warmth with Spirit
UNIQUE...
I am not your Barbie Doll
I am not your Poster Child
Maybe I AM a witch.
I could be from South America, Italy, KANSAS?
UNIQUE...
maybe I will change my name to this word
that has defined me for years
and held me back from my dreams
UP UNTIL NOW.
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11 comments:
What a beautiful and heartfelt release!! I LOVED the stories that you shared about growing up.... How in those moments where words feel like labels, our confidences can become unhinged!
I have in the past had to do a lot of soul searching to fully embrace the label of my own name. Don't get me wrong, today I LOVE my name: Molly. But in the past it has not been easy, when you introduce yourself and the first thing someone says is "oh, I have a dog name Molly." Or, when growning up your parents told you they had two names picked out - Molly & Anna. If I cam out look exotic and dark haired, they were going to name me Anna. If I came out pink and pudgy they were going to name me Molly.... as a teenage, which would you have prefered to have been named?
Fortunately, these stories do not bother me or send my ego into a tailspin. I have let go. I love my sweet, fun, short, personal name. MOLLY!
This was beautiful cora.
YOU are SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!! I've always known that-I remember clearly looking at you and thinking how gorgeous anna's "other" sister was at her wedding-during a very awkward period in my growing up. and that's just on the outside. You are also amazingly beautiful on the inside-an inspiration to us all. The world tries to tear us down form the outside, but we are stronger than that! love you
Cora,
Wow, this was such a beautiful post and I just stared at my computer screen after reading it. I have always thought you were gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous. I think that we are so often times way too critical of ourselves and its so good to see you accepting yourself for exactly what you are on the inside AND outside.
It takes guts to post something like that but I am really proud of you and admire your strength. You are inspirational to all of your readers!!
Have fun tonight!!
xoxo,
Jamie
This post surprises me because I've often thought of you as someone who needed to OVERCOME being so beautiful. Part of me considered that maybe you worked so hard to be taken seriously because you're so striking-looking that it would be easy to write you off as just a pretty girl. We never really know what's going on inside someone...
Thank you for being such an introspective, serious, FUN, thoughtful woman. There are many phases in life when it's easy to forget to continually reconsider and reevaluate, and your blog reminds me to do the same.
I'm glad I know you.
Love,
Amy
Dearest Cora,
I believe you would describe me as someone who also tells it like it is, even when not necessarily appropriate to do so :)
But this time, I gotta tell you, as I read your post I became angry. That's right - ANGRY. Well, angry in the way that only I can get angry - where I get my nervous smile and become very quiet because I don't want to say anything stupid while my brain is consumed with angry thoughts.
My anger was directed at YOU Cora. You know I love you - but I just kept trying to understand why your beautiful brain never remembers all the positive things people say about you. Not that we need to care about what others think about us. But sheesh, if you are going to have flashbacks, at least also have some that remind you of all the wonderful things people have said about you and all the wonderful ways you have helped others feel better about themselves, myself included. You are such a dear best friend of mine and have always been there for me even through long distances.
So please, for the love of GOD, add this to the list of things I wish you would work on: listening to the not so quiet voices that are your husband's and mine and many of your other good friends who love you dearly and feel you are the best type of "UNIQUE" that there possibly could be.
Because if you don't...I'm going to continue to be angry and I just don't have any energy left for that after 36 hours working in hospitals!! :)
One of the greatest things about my life is living out loud with such a wonderful unique friend. Thanks!
Cora, I concur wholeheartedly with Amy. And the next time some guy asks "What are you?" may I suggest responding with, "The woman who punched you in the face." And then immediately making it a reality. Ass.
So, so beautiful.
Thank u ;-) take a look that emo boy hair on this blog:
http://www.emo--boys.info
You have always been beautiful to me, my unique friend...
Cora, I remember the first time I met you, thinking you were one of the most beautiful girls in the school. I remember all the bus trips to basketball games, watching you get ready for the game by layering on waterproof makeup and wondering why on earth - something I associated with shallow, insecure girls who needed others' approval based on superficial merit. You were the antithesis of that to me.
(And for the record, I have to say it - your eyes were always a draw for me!)
Someone questioned why you don't remember the positive things people tell you - for some reason, the weight of criticism and judgment feels heavier than praise and acceptance, and therefore its influence seems to be felt more thoroughly. We, as humans, need that encouragement - whether it comes from within or outside of, daily, hourly - but one stinging comment can last a lifetime.
You've always been one of the most beautiful people I've known - internally and externally. Ironically, given your own insecurities and attempts to blend in, it was you who inspired me in high school to let go of my own and be my own individual and stand out in the crowd.
((hugs))
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