It has been awhile since my last post. Why, you might ask? I wish I could say that I have been steeped in so many Health Counseling clients that my schedule is too FULL. Or, that I have been diligently at work on my Memoir and I haven't been able to spread the writing love to my blog. Or, that I have been heroically rescuing lost pets and children.

When I was 8, in Council Grove, Kansas, my best friend Cami, and I started a Pet Detective Club. We put fliers all over the town that read "Will find lost pets and small children." I kid you not. We did not receive one phone call.... However we hid and found many different stuffed animals in my own backyard.:)

And no, I have not been training for an Ultra-Marathon up Mount Everest that has left me too exhausted to write.

The truth is, up until NOW, I have been in Self-Punishment mode. For me, writing is an incredible form of self-care, and one of the first to go when I feel like I don't deserve these "luxuries."

Without going into intense detail and rehashing the issue/blessing that occurred, I made a HUGE mistake at my job. HUGE. As a self-professed PEOPLE PLEASER, I chose to de-rail a bit. Or a lot. I had my good days (practicing self-forgiveness, taking feedback neutrally, trusting the Divine Process, etc) and my harder days ( self-berating, ostricizing myself socially, and thinking I should quit before they fire me....)

An ironic part of all of this, is that one hour before I received the infamous phone call from my boss, I stood up at my Graduate School Program in Spritual Psychology and announced, in front of 250 incredible witnesses, that I was letting go of my Addiction to People Pleasing, that it did not serve me anymore. I recognized my Fear of Disappointing Others going all the way back to my parent's divorce and feeling like I was responsible. I stood up, ready to let go of my need to please others, to stop living my life out of fear that if I am not making everyone happy, then they will go away, and I will be alone, have no one.

My teachers instructed me in self-forgiveness: "I forgive myself for ever buying into the misunderstanding that I caused my parent's divorce." Whew...a weight lifted and my heart opened...

Then, "I forgive myself for ever buying into the misunderstanding that I have to contort myself or tone it down, to be loved and accepted." Whoah...another huge energetic shift took place.

The love and support in the room was unbelievable. I felt re-born! I was ready stop People Pleasing, live my truth, own my Voice and my Power.

And then, my cell phone rang. It was my boss. Yelling. Swearing. And I had made a HUGE mistake...("When the student is ready, the teacher will appear"-Buddhist Proverb...the Universe responded QUICKLY!)

Did I get through that infamous phone call and not completely fall apart? YES!

Did I fly back to New York and face my fears of going back to work? YES!

Did I lose my job? NO!

Did I finally stop the self-punishment? YES!

Do I feel stronger in retrospect? YES!

WAS THIS PROCESS EASY??? NOOOOOO!!!

Carl Rogers, famous author and psychologist says, "...the process of CHANGE is life. I realize that if I were stable and steady and static, I would be living death. So I accept confusion and uncertainty and fear and emotional highs and lows because they are the price I willingly pay for a flowing, perplexing, exciting life."

Facing my Unresolved Issues (ie People Pleasing Tendencies) is not easy, but the Healing Process is worth it. The Universe gave me an incredible gift with this experience of letting down my boss. I realized that I could separate my inherent self-worth, from my "bad behavior". I recognized that making mistakes doesn't make me a bad person...

Each time, I deal with an experience like this, I feel like I get to know my True Self even better and learn to love Her even more. And in a way, I feel like I am running the Pet Detective Club all over again...Yet this time, I am searching for my lost Authentic Self, for my true voice, my Inner Power, and I am finding Her, this Self...in my Own Backyard.